I’m just glad they haven’t come up with a ‘Lifetime Whinger’ award for Whitney Houston or ‘The Lifetime Ego’ award for Clive Davis. In fact it would need to be  ’The Clive Davis Award’ so Clive can come up on stage to present it to himself every year, and then when he pops it Whitney can come up and accept it posthumously on his behalf and tell us how he will always be missed. ‘I will always love me.’ Clive’s cover version of Whitney’s cover of Dolly’s song. (Parton the pun.)

The funny thing is I didn’t see the whole of The Brits but I saw enough on You Tube and read various reports all saying the same thing as it’s said every year. It is what it is, but does is what it is make it what it should be? The problem is we don’t have anything to celebrate now, no one’s buying records so the only way they can get anyone to watch a show is to put the only artists on who sell anything. So then we are left with a show to showcase the artists who’s records we have already bought.

You’d be tempted to call the proceedings ’safe’ if it wasn’t for the predictable controversy of ‘anarchy.’ We’d had the water thrown over John Prescott outrage. We’ve had the Michael Jackson carry on from Jarvis Cocker. We’ve had the Sam Fox, Mick Fleetwood great presenters of our time show. We’ve had the lot but they always manage to find something that will make it to the papers. But didn’t you expect it the moment Liam Gallagher stepped up on the stage, that sweet aroma of predictability where he wants to grow old disgracefully and The Brits is the place to do it. I saw him swagger up and I was going ‘Go on Liam do something outrageous, be respectful and say what a fantastic ride Oasis had been.’ Thank others for allowing you your own bit of the limelight but no he did the most obvious thing possible. He was Liam twenty years on.

He wasn’t there to celebrate anything, he just thought he needed a bit of attention and he knew the media would lap it up. But now when you’ve been and gone wouldn’t it have been more outrageous then to do something not outrageous? People would have given him a rousing reception but he’d rather take the swipes, it’s mens work. How utterly ludicrous to thank his band apart from the one person who allowed their very existence. Why would we have ever wanted another swaggering monkey when we still had the King Monkey himself, Ian Brown?  And let’s face it Ian Brown has always been and still is cooler than Liam Gallagher. Sorry Liam you worked well in the band as a front man but all the tired tactics? It’s no longer relevant.

Maybe you should have kissed Robbie Williams live at The Brits. Damn, I’ve given them an idea for next year. it if not for whom it wouldn’t have been much of a band.

Did it ever occur to anyone that nothing lasts forever?  Even if you don’t like Simon Cowell, and although personally I do then give  him one thing,  give him the credit on timing. His American Idol exit is precision timing. Look how well it worked for Little Britain and better still Basil Fawlty, knowing when to quit and sticking by your decision no matter how much money you’re offered. Seinfeld was another, wild horses wouldn’t drag him back and the residuals  for the rest of his life and beyond were more than ample. Who needs the cash apart from NBC of course. People like to have something to remember and sustaining respect and the loyalty from your fans is all about knowing when to back away and them remembering you as part of something that revolutionized television, something that was what it was because of you. They remember you for that and if it starts to decline they don’t remember you at all. The ship sinks, you drown in it. But Simon will be gone by then so if the good ship Idol were to sink he will be known as the reason it sunk. And the reason it sailed was because of him. Touche, his adoring crowd will always remember him fondly.

Great TV stars, film stars, maybe even porn stars are the ones who understand shelf life, formerly known as artist integrity. Otherwise known as sharp cookies. More in tune with longevity and not grabbing what they can while they can, like all good artists they have confidence in their own ability. They like to reinvent themselves and take on new challenges, they don’t want everything on a plate and then wonder when the plate is taken from underneath them. No more gruel Scrooge, get back to the kitchen and cook it up all over again.

We’re a live for the moment generation, too afraid that our star will cease to shine and someone else will be grabbing at our coat tails. Where are the managers hell bent on sustaining that pedigree of artist who is there on merit. And when did merit and ability and the desire to succeed ever go away? The greedy came along and robbed us and once they got in they kept coming back to rob us more and more. Talent is there to be discovered, nurtured and then made available to the masses to see just what it was that got us attracted to them in the first place. It’s never about throwing a herd of wannabes in a multitude of car parks spread across a continent so that a wizard of pop can dictate who does what with you, when and for how long. Then it’s out of the car park and back on the bus to oblivion because foolishly, for one minute you thought you had what it took. The bare faced cheek to turn up.

I started to think deeper though, dangerous in itself and about the future of American Idol in general which will not stand or fall by Ellen DeGenerative, successful or otherwise. Soon the Ellen novelty will have worn off and we’ll be back to all the speculation around who will replace Simon Cowell because you have to remember that Ellen is only Paula’s replacement. Fortunately Ellen has a very lucrative career independent of Idol and won’t ever be known as ‘Paula’s replacement.’ Perish the thought,  sounds like the person thrust in to the Big Brother house when a previous contestant was exposed as being an albino dwarf who ran an illicit opium den for transvestite oil sheiks.

Interestingly enough there’s been talk of Howard Stern, and while I love Howard I don’t think so. American Idol?  He’d rather judge a porn pagent, it’s more interesting for him and anyway the after show parties would be a lot more fun. He would probably be totally scathing on Idol when he saw what they had parading in front of him and how much talent there was. That would terrify possible future contestants though also, living in fear of the wrath of Howard Stern. Oh my God, he’d tear then apart limb to limb. Howard Stern’s career is built entirely on doing what the fuck he wants and he would cater to no one. Where Simon is now motivated by sustaining his vast wealth and even adding to it, Stern is still a maverick and further and further away from the establishment. Fox doing a deal with Howard Stern, I don’t think so or if he did he’d want everything Rupert Murdoch owned. You’ll never have any Grannies thinking Howard’s sweet  or funny or cute and that alone eliminates any thoughts of mass appeal. American Idol is not about taking risks, there is too much at stake now. It’s all about the ratings because the ratings give them infinite power, the power to make even more money and that is all it’s about. Don’t tell me they’re building careers because they’re not with the exception of maybe two or three out of hundreds of thousands.I think that’s called the law of averages and a mean one in the worse sense of the word! And let us not forget there is no hiding the fact that their king is abdicating.

Elton John has been mentioned too, I think he’d be good but again it’s probably everything he despises and he certainly doesn’t need it. Elton broke because he had more than every ‘idol’ put together and then some. He didn’t need a Simon manufactured makeover that’s for sure, he mastered his own class and he has survived because he’s as far away from being manipulated by this industry as anyone. Elton knows what makes Elton become known, and remembered. He considered himself a writer but not a lyricist and got a very good one in Bernie Taupin. It’s a collaboration that has lasted to this day. Will that be Simon Cowell and Westlife in forty years?  Mmm somehow I think not. That’s the thing we don’t have nowadays, artists having the creative flair for knowing who to work with rather than being told who you ARE working with. Artists even knowing who they are and ultimately what they want. American Idol contestants are there because they want someone to do it all for them and then when they don’t get selected their world subsides.

Do the lottery it’s a safer bet.

Must confess though I love Lady Ga Ga, she’s outrageous like Elton was at her age and the flamboyancy and outrage works a treat. It’s entertainment and she can do that because her performances can back it up, she’s pretty damn good. She has the talent. I was going to congratulate Taylor Swift because she’ s had a brilliant year and she deserves the credit because she too is a talented young lady but she marred her night by singing live. Shame but it just didn’t work and poor old Stevie Nicks looked a little confused when they were dueting on Rhiannon. Stevie cut it and poor old Taylor didn’t, we’ll excuse her though because she still has a great career ahead of her. Just be careful where you choose to sing live.

Pink was as expected quite spectacular and quite a performance for a trapeze act. Worked though. We seem to be surrounded by females creating a sensation nowadays and especially since the millenium they have taken center stage in the pop arena. Apart from the ones I’ve mentioned we have Beyonce,  Rhianna, Fergie, Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson, lest we forget Sarah Mclachlan, Dido and a whole host more. All selling records too, very interesting in today’s market. The greatest thing of all though is that each one of those female artists is entirely different from the other and still manages to be successful. Come on boys, time to catch up. And better still we don’t have a hundred girl bands all sounding the same. Thank God!

We’re fucked!

Tiger, tiger , burning bright,

In the forest of the night

What immortal hand or eye

Could frame thy fearful symmetry

The gaps in the William Blake poem could be significant.

Where now are we going with this story. All seems true so it’s only left for me to speculate, and I hasten to add I am a mere speculator in all of this. But spectacles need speculating and therefore I MUST speculate. Another nine women have emerged with even more stories and it now appears that he had more than his pie at Perkins. He might have landed a Big Whopper at Burger King and there are rumors of a threesome with the red headed quarter ponder he was seen putting on the green. Further down the road more illicit affairs will be exposed, if only because of his undeniable wealth. More news as Tiger is offered more two for one’s. When Tiger is in town every hour is Happy Hour.

I’m not quite sure what went on on Black Friday but this is naturally the busiest day of the year with many people traveling and most of them to distant woodlands. The inevitable cook outs amount to an abundant porking and plenty of skewering. We’re heading for ‘all you can eat Tiger buffets.’ It’s bound to be a popular tourist attraction.

And just when I was about to put cursor down we find out Gatorade pulled out. At least someone did….Their story is they had decided to before all this. Really well why didn’t they say so then. Why hit a man when he’s going down, I mean down. I think by the time the year is over this could well become one of the stories of the year, if of course it has ended by then. One woman going to the hospital, one woman moving out voluntarily and maybe a squadron moving in so he can put them all on retainers and pick and chose who he takes where. No need for clandestine encounters now, every time he walks to check in to a hotel everyone’s going to point at him and some will come forward to admit to NEVER shagging him.

We are now hearing stories of prescription drugs. God forbid what else will be discovered. The police officer’s report says that he had been drinking and the person who found him said he was asleep. Even I’m getting confused. What next, reports of him being behind on his car payments. Maybe we’ll find out he had houses his wife didn’t know about and then of course the stories of the love child. People will know it wasn’t me, I’ll be history.

I’m hoping I won’t need to write any more Tiger blogs but it is a fascinating subject so maybe I will. It’s up to him, I might even take up golf so one day I too can point at him. I will lie and say he used to tour manage Death Cab for Cutie.

The funniest thing of all is not only one porn star but two. There’s nothing like making a play for the hard to pull chicks. They must have been a catch. Not one but two Tiger!! They’ll be more, of that I’m sure. And we haven’t had a dwarf, some trailer trash or a drag queen. Maybe there’s some royalty, a trapeze artist, a dolphin trainer, two lion tamers and an astronaut.

I imagine he’s been to the Playboy Mansion and is first in line for Hugh’s dressing gown. Arise Sir Tiger the new king of libido, winner of the Nob peace prize.

Simons?!

watch television. The show that every network turned down is now the only show that makes a difference. If you’re a pop act and you have a record out and you get asked to appear, then you do it. That is of course if you have a record out and Whitney Houston doesn’t or if she’s round at Clive’s having tea or massaging his ego. My God could you imagine dinner with those two……pass the hurl bucket.  I digress.

It must be heartening for any artist to hear the stuff people turn down. What happened with American Idol happened with The Beatles, The Stone Roses, you name it…..  they had the knock back. Ponders the question, who are the people elected to pick what works and what doesn’t work? TV and the music business has become dull because of the people making the decisions. They clearly have no idea what people want. Hence we have the most popular  ’music show’ ever where the public actually has to tell them what they want.  And then one success spawns a thousand unimaginative carbon copies. Where once we had an act that attracted an audience now we have an audience that can attract any act because they all have to do it, appear on that show! Simple really, if you want to get seen or heard you line up at Simon Cowell’s door. It’s a monopoly and it’s dangerouse. Further more they’re not budging,  not at least any time soon.

Record companies have no clue whatsoever. (It might have something to do with the fact that most of the people who work there have no idea about music)They constantly turn down what ultimately pays their own wages. Record companies can no longer sign bands because they do not know how to develop bands. They have no fucking idea and what’s worse is they don’t care. They don’t care that what made generations integrate, love one another, even give us a healthy foreign export all revolved around music. Call me idealistic I don’t care, but the people who sit in their halcyon towers crunching the numbers have no feet to put on the ground. They want to see a return straight away when  no relevant band in history paid the rent from day one. What they did do was build a base for an industry to thrive for a very long time until the pendulum swung and the lunatics took over the asylum. Not only did they run it, they enrolled the inmates. We are now fed a staple diet of stuff that doesn’t require us to ponder over whether or not it’s good or not, it’s just there. Who cares if it’s good, as long as it can sell instantly and we can get a return. The law of averages says a proportion of the cattle will chew the cud. Or is it sheep, lemmings even? It’s just fodder when all is said and done.

Where are we going, well as Bob Dylan so rightly said, ‘No Direction home’ There is no route. Over the coming weeks months, years , decades I may be granted time on this turntable we call earth I intend to bring forth and interrogate those that matter, those who gave me a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning and throw myself in to what was an unbelievable place to be. The artists and the record industry, the record stores, the bands, the media we all worked as one . And you know what, we were fucking good. Too good to sit back and see what this industry has become, a playground for the people who were once behind the scenes. We are creating immovable objects, Clive Davis was a music man, once.  There was a time when he wanted to create stars to see what they could become, to let them grow and flourish, to see them last and then to influence others. And now, it’s not because of what they are but because of what they can do for him. The ego is mightier than the music. When in all it’s years have the people behind the scenes become bigger than the artists? I don’t think it was meant to be that way was it? Who’s more successful than Simon Cowell or Clive Davis? Instead of making them (the artists)they made themselves! Simon Fuller is equally as powerful and with an astute mind, a marketing genius…….. but at least he doesn’t have a need to grab the limelight. Instead of pop stars we now have  industry stars.

I can’t also figure out why Taylor was ’shocked’ each time she won her 200 awards? Is she the only one who doesn’t realize what a year she has had. Anyway good luck to the girl, young, talented , popular she deserves it. Which kind of brings me to Houston W. Not sure she meets any of the criteria now, maybe in the past but must we keep dragging her out just because there are viewers. When will she just go away? What do we give her next year, a more appearances on any awards show award? Was this to to prove she can string a sentence together after Good Morning America and (was it )X Factor where should looked totally X’d. How many times MUST we pamper to the QUEEN OF REDEMPTION. Who ever gets that many chances?

Can someone please explain the philanthropist bit? What one earth has she done to help the cause? I’m totally flabbergasted, she’s only ever been about her.Oh and Clive, nice to see he got a name check. I noticed the new vampire film surpassed him this week, that must have been hard. These two vampires will last though, we’ve watched them sap the blood from the industry for too long. GO AWAY! In case you hadn’t gathered, Whitney Houston is my least favorite person the planet , I can only hope she puts herself up for a trip to the  space station. One way. Who’s up for the whip round?

Adam Lambert’s performance was hyped up as expected, I think maybe he tried a little too hard, maybe Whitney made him puke and the vocals at then end were really just him hurling. He’s a talent though and I think he’s set for a good career. He’s certainly X Factor and the right X.

That’ll do for now, no need for a tirade unless I turn the TV on and SHE”S on.

And guess what? Chrissie boy, having bounded in to Larry King’s show a few months ago to ‘apologize’ decided once again, that he should have another right to reply. Like we cared the first time? And MTV opened their door like the reality madhouse they are and let him in. How totally deplorable. I don’t feel it’s disrespectful, which is what others are saying. That isn’t at all appropriate, don’t you have to have respect in the first place in order to disrespect it?

This showdown was fast becoming a battle of the brands. She has a career, his was falling apart around him. Guess what baby boy, no one likes an abuser. No matter what talent you have it just shows you up as a lowlife, a bully, a coward and what’s the word? WANKER. I’m sure there’s plenty of us out there putting blog to work and commenting on last night’s circus. She decided to speak after a long period of silence and not only did HE speak, he reacted! Good job she wasn’t around or likely he would have pounced. The tiger would have been cornered once again.

He thought she was wrong, he said it was between him and her and it should be private. OK, big boy then go make your records and keep them private. Don’t release them because if you do then you’re public domain and if you beat the shit out of someone then people have a right to know. Sadly though your public side likes you to be noticed and definitely your bank account does. You wouldn’t want that to take a beating now would you? You wouldn’t want to see that beaten and broken. Oh and by the way if it was that private then why did you go on national TV and talk about it? ……TWICE!

You can smell the PR all around him, you need to do this, and now. They’ll be people wanting to hear your side of the story, why don’t you do it to deflect from her when she’s on Prime Time on ABC. The only thing it will salvage is a few who might have flicked between channels. What is there to explain? You’re a bully and you smacked a woman.

It must be really hard doing interviews when you’re stupid, but if you’re stupid and successful then you have PR. And the PR will get you in front of the right people, they’ll work at finding you the opportunity to redeem yourself. Damn, they forgot that it involves opening your mouth and sounding believable. How could you not feel this had everything to do with him and nothing to do with her. HE GOT CAUGHT OUT, he’s not that smart and he’s trying to claw his way back. Her face hurt but his ego was was really took a beating. All of a sudden people didn’t like him and when you’re used to adoration you can’t bear the thought that you are getting bad publicity. Most of the abusers around get away with it because it doesn’t get reported and it isn’t in the papers, on TV. Thank God some of these cowards get caught out.

I’m thinking the PR people here should have given him a script to learn and told him not to deviate from it. But his ego would never allow that, the media wants to talk to him and he gets to have his say. I’d cringe if I had to put this geezer on TV and worry at what he might come out with. He needs to dance and on a stage. He’s good at that but when you try to dance around questions and interrogation you just ain’t good enough, son. It’s not what you do. And to see how you react to being cornered by a defenseless girl who wanted to know why, when you were going out with her were you texting another girl. How dare you ask me that, how dare you catch me out. If I hit her hard enough she’ll stop interrogating me. Smack, shut the fuck up!

And out come the industry folks would want to try and clean up the shit, keep his career on track. They have a living to make too. Where’s the record company honchos condemning their artist, even sacking him. They daren’t, they have precious few artists who are keeping them in work nowadays as it is. Let’s not kick the shit out of the hand that feeds us.

You have to admire the Chairman of Wigan Athletic Football Club though who sacked that other wanker who smacked a female about because she didn’t accept ‘Who he was!’ It’s always been a killer of a line hasn’t it guys when you have to use that to entice the female of the species. It sounds better than, I’m a twat, I can’t string a sentence together but would you like to have a look at my bank statement before I allow you to shag me. Oh how the footballer is the great Lothario, the real master of seduction. Wasn’t it great the Chairman came out and condemned Stupid Marvin whatshisname  and said he regretted signing him. You’re history, fuck off , you’re sacked.

Starvin Marvin soon we might hope. He thought he could bully and attack if he didn’t get his own way. They slung him inside for 6 months so what’s twathead Brown doing on the tele anyway?

It had been a troublesome week for Bruce after he admitted to a faux pas, his dealings with Walmart. In case you missed it he had given exclusivity to Sam’s brand for the selling of his 12 track anthology album together with a 10 bucks price tag. Bruce had become just like The Eagles and a bunch of others, ‘cept The Eagles to their credit never claimed to be anything different. I remember many years ago seeing a Rolling Stone feature on them when I think it was Glenn Frey was quoted as saying ‘The only difference between laid back and boring is a million dollars’ If you want to take the money and run then as long as you say so who can complain? You don’t like it then don’t buy their records. Looking at the sales of Hotel California and the bulk of their back catalogue everyone seemed fine with it.

The thing is Bruce didn’t used to compromise, he cared about the common man, kept it rock n roll because that’s what rock n roll was supposed to be, doing things differently, being a rebel. The bottom line is that when push comes to shove (nice Superbowl lingo!) Bruce was faced with the stark reality that no matter how good an album he released it just wasn’t going to sell in the way he was used to and I think he panicked or maybe for the first time listened to his record company. As I previously mentioned he stood up and said at this week’s press conference he was doing it because he had a new record out. And that’s what ya gotta do nowadays.

He made a mistake and said he made a rash decision, or was it a rushed decision? Bruce Springsteen and the E -Street band are perfectionists, I admire and respect them and I think they are brilliant. It moved me this week when he said that they came out of a generation where growing up their heroes were great and if they were going to be in a band they wanted to emulate that, they weanted to be great.

Bruce has been criticized now by the New York Times and others for admitting his mistake. The media have dug their teeth in because he has come out and said it. It’s good copy, it’s worth writing about and it sells newspapers and they certainly need to do that. It’s Superbowl week too and everyone is reading everything. Bruce probably didn’t expect as much of the limelight, or at least only wanted to be written about for his performance. He isn’t used to this type of publicity.

It’ll be the same for U2 when they land their new album on us as it’ll be the same for everyone. Acts are looking for ways to get their albums to the masses, new ways to promote and market. Promotion and marketing for the older acts is radically different and they are faced with younger people promoting their records and they will have to understand that maybe they know best in today’s marketplace. Or in reality maybe they just know better. The stark reality is they just have to accept the inevitablity of it all, you won’t sell what you did. Those who once sold 10/15 million must be happy with 2/3 million, their big selling days are gone.